Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
There is a girl getting fingered on my left, a middle aged drink man smoking a bong and two girls flashing the cameras in front of me. I'm in the middle trying to maintain my innocence.
what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Randomize
