The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
of course we have a beer bong
how else would we feed our christmas tree
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
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