jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
Pants are for mortals
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
Jus pulled over and stole. Corn out of a. Field. ... get on my level
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
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