How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
Randomize
