The girl in the car behind me just took a bowl hit. I miss college.
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
His friends call him "Gasm".... Im going for it.
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
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