i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
She asked me to facebook all the girls I'd hooked up with. She started crying when I started my search with A.
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
You guys were grinding to YMCA. I knew you were going to hook up with him.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
why is there a thong in the fridge-NOT MINE-and a half of a pickle on the stairs?!
I don't wear thongs. The picle was for dipping. Ill explain later. Lacy or plain thong ?
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
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