This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
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