Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
Just left the frat house in last nights clothes minus my earings, shoes, underware, tequilla cap, and my dignity. If you see me on your way home just hit me
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
when I called the strip club they said there was a note with my credit card. "girl who punched guy in throat" fuck daytona
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Randomize