I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
i woke up this morning to a slap on the ass and jake saying "you should let me put it in your ass now" i need out of this relationship.
for sure. did you let him do it?
thats not the point.
So it wasn't until I came that he pointed out the glow in the dark plastic star still stuck to my forehead. Fun times.
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
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