My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
there may have been a blood oath never to speak of it again...only reason i can think of as to why there was a 1 inch bloody cut on my right boob
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
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