I'm jealous of your bromance
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
