That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
I just want to make out with him forever
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
Shes the whorey leader of that wolf pack, and all the less whorey wolves report back to her. She teaches them the ways
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
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