The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
He gave her the shocker .. I didn't know people really did that.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
Face washed and sleeping pill taken. Here's hoping for a more sex filled tomorrow.
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
Randomize
