here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
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