then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
pesky things like morals, self-preservation and cowardice are not needed. overkill is nothing but a word. there will be blood.
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
Randomize