You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
