i already hear my dad disowning me
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
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