I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
