last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
