If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
I don't think I'm emotionally ready for this blow job.
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
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