What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
he referred to my room as the tit cave...
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
Its completely acceptable to go naked under my graduation gown right?
Some ppl might frown upon it but theyre prudes
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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