The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
Dude, she looked like the Canadian Slam Poet, neck hair and all.
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
College students should never be allowed to have snow days. Never.
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
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