The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
I did nothing besides stay sober all night, I walked home to find max naked knocking cups off the counter with his cock lol
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
Randomize
