i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
Are we doing anything tonight after class for Valentine's Day or just being lazy and having sex?
If you expect me to say anything other than 'lazy and sex' you're crazzzzy!
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
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