I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
You and i never got to the, we dont care what we look like friend-stage. you know? like not brushing your teeth stage.
sorry im really high
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
Randomize
