i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
