Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
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