Her cum face looks like the large marge scene in pee-wees big adventure
Literally like 10 people walking in my building talking about how much they hate draco
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
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