Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
just got my goo swallowed for the first time. colors seem so much more vivid now, and more rainbows are outside
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
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