So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
Found out why they call her Halfpipe Jenny-NOT the cool reason we thought
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
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