I left when they started reinacting what appeared to be a jerry springer episode
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
We were sitting outside of the building and he literally just walked up with no pants on. This is the best college ever
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
I got really adventurous too. Like. Balls in the mouth adventurous.
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
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