I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
Girl in front of me has spent the class alternating between playing farmville and the tiffany's website looking at engagement rings. Every once in a while she holds her hand up to the screen.
She doesn't deserve the breathe the same air that we do.
She just bought a cow and we've moved on to looking at wedding dresses.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
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