Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
I may only be a second year med student but I feel very confident in calling that a micropenis.
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
Only the gays. Guy gives me a handjob in the steam, then changes next to me under his towel
Only the gays
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
Randomize
