HELP! I am trapped in a douchebag ad... full of Affliction and Ed Hardy. Seriously? is he gonna leave his sunglasses on the entire 10 seconds of this encounter?
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
Randomize