My new storm is the chrons
The only reason I needed a new one is bc I threw up on my other one(248): And since Verizon doesn't have a throw up test, I was eligible for a new one
whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
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