According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
Strip club for my birthday. And none of this discrimination shit. We're going to a guys one and girls one. Go get your singles.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
third nipple confirmed
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
I forget how to act sober
Randomize
