M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
Don't use my boy Weezy to support your whoreish tendencies.
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
Only you would think wine and coffee was an acceptable finals study time mix
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
and you fell through a lawn chair
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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