Let's start a violent farting gang. We can do walkbys.
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
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