I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
He spent ten minutes post bj, limp cock still out, in shock repeating 'best blow job ever'. So yes, yelling I am the penis queen out the car window was justified.
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