I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
if you need to find her look her up on www.imastupidslut.org
.org?
yeah. they're non profit. helps them sleep at night.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
I just got back to our room ....neither of us spent the night there but both our beds are occupied. send help.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
Randomize
