I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
Not sure if it is a new high or new low, but i left a basket on the porch of the sorority I woke up at. It had a description of the Minnie Mouse I woke up next to, and Plan B.
Well still if someone cared enough about u to wish an unwanted child or a disease on u ..u must have been doing something right
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
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