Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
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