hotel room ftw
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
Despite evidence suggesting otherwise, it turns out max is 100%straight.
Randomize
