Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
Either I just got hit on by a 10 year old.girl dressed like a boy or I just got hit on by a midget lesbian. Either way I feel uncomfortable
I'm going to try to ignore the homoerotic subtext in that last question...
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
Randomize
