Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
Hooked up to multiple episodes of Even Stevens last night. What the fuck.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
be right there i have to get my cape
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
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