Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
So vagazzling was a success
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
So she was amazing, that's what. Idk if it was the blow or the blowjob, but both my heads are still tingling.
Randomize
