My brain says no but my pants say off.
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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