Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
Got a basket, 50 condoms, some candy, 100 plastic eggs & my bunny costume. Campus will feel my wrath in 2 weeks
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
We're high and this subject came up and I'd like a female opinion: if you were a dude, what would you do if a girl tried to give you a foot job?
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
Who put my cat in the fridge?
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Randomize