Skip Greektown and come to Geektown. I just want to cuddle.
well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
Randomize
