so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
At what point are you a chubby chaser or just desperate for sex?
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
Randomize
