i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
no it was
but you compared your dick to a female disney character
Is the Glover Park Chipotle past the strip club?
Why is that your only point of reference?
Just answer the question
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
Randomize