I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
Randomize
