I'd wear matching sweaters with you
at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
Maybe he just has a boisterous penis
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
Randomize
