There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
u r missing out we r watching a tranny direct traffic in a gstring
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
