My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
Yah at one point i was listening to metallica and doing pushups last night. I went thru alot of emotions.
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
I don't really want to explain what i mean by this so just answer yes or no. are 5 cows enough?
Randomize
