Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
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