i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
Once you see the odd facial expressions and noises a guy makes while he is furiously beating off on top of you, it kind of puts things into perspective.
im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
Suite mates just came in and said that we have to go to Africa. They're already packed. Didn't know you could get that high.
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
The day i have a fb album titled " I have become a townie" you can shoot me in the foot and tell me to get my life together
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
His acid is intense dude. I was just over at his place laughing about the hole in the wall I was convinced was a cat
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
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