so I just asked a Chinese man and found out our tattoos actually mean vagina...
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
Isiahs hammered. And just came in to get his skateboard and said he has to prove something. This can't end well
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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