hes 24 and dating a highschool junior and keeps saying how happy he is. happy about what? her ACT score??
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
Who died my cat blue again?
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
