oh no, I think we did it in the 'front asshole'
i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
stop calling my apartment porn island.
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
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