My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
I thought I had fell out of his trailer but he says I tried to ninja kick his TV stand saying those girls hula hooping were trying to seduce him. There wasn't anyone else there.
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
i was mezmorized. she was the most beautiful girl that looked like a boy i ever seen
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
Our conversation concluded a weekly schedule of casual sex in between classes.
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
Randomize
